Low expectations

That is the key. I’m kinda giving up on drugs, and well, on drugs fixing anything.

At most they will be a nudge in the right direction. When Adderall was good it fixed everything. I felt great, had energy and enjoyed anything I set my mind to. I abused Adderall because of that. That was a high, and I was chasing it. Highs are never sustainable.

I’m still taking 20mg of Vyvanse, it definitely helps, but even that – my body has adjusted. It helps me get off my ass but doesn’t do anything for me, I have to do it in the end. Next week I’ll probably go up to 30mg, that will help more, but I think I get it now. 

Vyvanse tappers off in the evening, I hate it. But I’m done drinking for a little while. I use a few beers to make the descent easier in the evening. I need to survive on own, in my own skin, beer isn’t sustainable either. I can’t start always using that to hide my emotions. 

Thankfully the meds have balanced me out, no constant anxiety, panic, etc. I feel like my mood is lack there of, no mood. This is bearable. So I need to bear it until I am used to it. Until I start moving and doing on my own.

And now, back to sorting through laundry.

Current Medication: Vyvanse 20mg, Lamictal 200mg, Prozac 30mg, Seroquel XR 300mg, Strattera 80mg 

Low expectations

Awkward Anxious Fucking Fag

I’m at my neighborhood bar. Alone. I’m at a bar — alone.

Pathetic.

I feel bad for people at restaurant or theaters alone. But here I am. Just me. 

Vyvanse works… for sixish hours. It works really well. Then. Cliff.

As it wears off my mind races. The medication is released slowly, an extended release, but I feel every time the medication is pumping into my system. 

It isn’t mania, not at all. It is just capable. My mood is still somewhat blah, but I get up, I can do things. Everything isn’t a fight anymore.

And then it tappers off. Constantly I think, maybe a bit more will be released, maybe it isn’t over. Doing things becomes harder, doing anything becomes a fight, like usual.

Hello couch, well, that is what I would usually do. Today I got out of the house. I grabbed my Nintendo 3Ds (aka fancy new gameboy) and walked to the bar.

Of course, I’m too embarrassed to take out the gameboy. Oh well.

I’m working on beer two, the people next to me all started chatting, they didn’t know each other before, we are all just sitting next to each other at a bar, conversation happens.

Not me. I am the awkward anxious fucking fag in the corner typing out a fucking blog on my phone because I am an incapable fucking piece of shit. Fuck.

Oh well. I’ll be fine. I’m always fine. Fuck.

Awkward Anxious Fucking Fag

My Bipolar Medication Cocktail

wonderHaving been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder six months ago and actively seeking treatment for three and half months, I’ve tried a litany of medications.

Below I detail my experience with the medications that worked. I plan on making another post detailing the medications that didn’t work for me.

Effective Medications: Vyvanse 20mg, Prozac 30mg, Seroquel XR 600mg
Uneffective Medications: Gabapentin 1800mg, Strattera 80mg, Lamictal 200mg,

  • Vyvanse 20mg
    • Started: started three days ago
    • Purpose: to aid in energy and focus to help me breakthrough crippling apathy
    • Impact: So far Vyvanse has been very effective at helping me to return to more normal functioning. Its impact on my mood has been mixed, although I can now do things which is nice, underneath there is still a layer of boredom.
    • Side Effects: Mild and fleeting anxiety about three hours after taking and again as it wears off in the evening
    • Future: Very effective, I hope to increase my dose to 30mg and stay there. I think that would be the ideal dose for aiding me in breaking through my boredom.
  • Prozac 30mg
    • Started: two weeks
    • Purpose: By this point my mood had largely stabilized, no more severe depressive lows. However, my mood stabilized at a mild level of sadness.
    • Impact: It has had a moderate impact on mood. Having been on SSRIs previously, they usually hit on day five, or so for me. It brought my mood up, apathy was replaced by boredom. I could now force myself to accomplish minor tasks, nothing interested me, my mood was flat. I found nothing engaging.
    • Side Effects: Decreased labito and possibly worse, difficulty maintaining an erection. Sigh, mental health or sex, decisions, decisions.
    • Future: SSRIs have helped for periods of time in the past, I plan to stay on Prozac.
  • Seroquel XR 600mg
    • Started: three months ago
    • Purpose: Started taking immediately after stopping Adderall (abused Adderall, over 100mg daily for several months before seeking help). Meant to help with the depression I was masking with Adderall and aid in falling asleep.
    • Impact: I started at 50mg immediate release and increased my dose to 600mg XR within weeks. Seroquel was effective in helping me fall asleep. Seroquel did help with my anxiety, I was in a constant state of low-level panic. I do not believe it had any impact on my mood.
    • Side Effects: Several side effects, hives, weight gain and constantly tired. I wrote a blog about the hives, they coated my body. I ended up getting an epinephrine shot and a steroid shot, the hives never came back after that. Also, dealing with significant weight gain, I gained twenty pounds in two months.  My weight hadn’t changed much since high school. Also, drowsiness throughout the day. Oh, and one more, it substantially increased the amount I slept each night. Regularly sleeping twelve to sixteen hours a day.
    • Future: I plan to attempt to slowly tapper down to 300mg XR and possibly off entirely. The sleepiness throughout the day impacts my mood in a negative way.
My Bipolar Medication Cocktail

What is left of me?

A few hours ago I chewed a Strattera 80mg, it hasn’t helped. You’re not suppose to chew Strattera, it is a once daily pill that can help with ADHD after six weeks. Desperation. Chew.

Boredom — I am perpetually bored. Granted, boredom is better than apathy, so we are moving in the right direction. Boredom still sucks. I can make myself do chores and things, I just don’t find anything interesting. It is different than apathy, apathy I did nothing, I would lay on the couch all day.

Now I am going through some of the motions of life, I have gone to the gym a few times this week and done some minor house work.

I lack vigor, interest, passion, desire — I miss those. I know a medication like Vyvanse would help. It’d take me out of this slump and aid with focusing. But having abused Adderall, I shouldn’t be given access to Vyvanse, I opened up those capsules before, I’d be tempted to use them other than prescribed.

But maybe not, having my mood stablizied, I wouldn’t need to rely on Vyvanse as an antidepressant like I did when abusing stimulants.

I want to feel like a full human again. I thought the universe rewards you for making good decisions. I gave up Adderall over three months ago now, and here I still wondering how to pick up the pieces.

Current Medication: Lamictal 200mg, Prozac 30mg (2 weeks), Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 2400mg so far (prescribed dose is 1800mg, sigh, desperation), Strattera 80mg, Caffeine Pill 1000mgish

 

 

What is left of me?

I hate being gay

Do I? It sounds so dramatic. I’m just being one of those dramatic homos. 

I don’t. I’m comfortable being gay, have been for a few years. I used to hate being gay,I think that is a part of my anxiety.

Anxiety, anxiety is another issue.

For so long I used Adderall to mask and hide my anxiety. Now? Now, I reach for a caffeine pill or a beer. 

I’m so disappointed in myself. I’m sitting here drinking my second beer of the night, I took Seroquel XR with a swig of beer, ignoring the yellow “Do not consume with alcohol” label. 

The last few days I have toyed with my Seroquel XR dose, it makes me so tired, I thought less would help. Now I am not sure. I seem more anxious.

God. I need to just start being strong enough. Instead of thinking medication will get better, I’ll just reach for a beer until we get the meds right. What if the medication is already right? 

I’m setting myself up for new addictions. New ways to sooth the real problem — I fucking hate myself.

I hate myself. I hate that I have some bullshit mid-level job doing nothing. I hate that I am gay. I mean, I don’t. Like, I am fine with being gay and all that. But being gay changed everything.

I grew up very conservative and religious. I didn’t give up on God curing me and come out until twenty-three. At thirteen I knew I was damned.

I knew what I was. Fagot. Evil. Pervert. Pedophile. Yes.

My religion taught that homosexuals can be cured with enough faith. I tried. I really tried. Never did I have enough faith. At thirteen I started praying morning and night and many times in between. I begged God to fix me or kill me. I didn’t want my apostasy to hurt my family’s chance of glory in the afterlife. I read the scriptures and offered my life to Christ. Every flight I took I prayed for God to bring the plane down so I wouldn’t have to live broken. Yet I remained ruined, broken, gay.

Yes, I accept that I am gay. Also, I know that there is nothing morally wrong with being a homosexual. At times, I do resent what this has taken from me, socially, I blocked myself from my family and my peers, I didn’t want to corrupt them until I was clean, social isolation. 

Complete social isolation. I didn’t come out to my parents until my junior year of college, until I knew I’d be alright if they cut off contact with me.

My guilt about my sexuality is gone, but it wasn’t replaced by confidence or pride or social apptitude.  

The carnage remains. I am smarter than what I do. It eats at me. My intellect might not be reflected in my writing, I’m dyslexic, always have liked numbers more than letters. Regardless, if I wasn’t gay, if I had more confidence, if conflict didn’t cripple me, maybe I could be in a profession where I feel challenged, where I feel like I am contributing.

Every meeting I am the smartest person in the room. Yeah, I sound like a dick bag, but I’m right. Every meeting at work, everyone, I clearly have a superior intellect. And yet, it doesn’t matter, because no one expects someone as capable as me to have this job. Also, less capable people assume everyone works at their capacity, they don’t demand more than what they themselves would accomplish.

Again, I’m nothing. I’m sitting there, ready to contribute and realize nobody wants or expects what I have to contribute. I finally have the guts to be me, to offer up what I have, but it is too late.

I spent the last decades hoping I’d have the balls to kill myself if God didn’t fix me, cure my homosexuality. I finally am comfortable with myself that I can inch out of my shell and contribute. And yet, here I am, stuck with the life I built as a broken young man wishing I had the courage to opt out, to guarantee the world had one less fag.

*God. This is a convoluted mess. I should edit this. Instead I’ll hit post and help myself to another beer. Fuck. I hate me. Fuck.

I hate being gay

doing bipolar alright… i think

8147b12690e1c7810ff70c088a315fcdI’m still here. I’ve been feeling a bit better over the past week. I tend to write more when struggling, when looking for answers, when in pain.

My psychiatrist added Prozac to my medication cocktail. It seems to be helping. Also, my work load is significantly less now. My industry is so tied in with education that we all get half-days for the next six-weeks. Lets be real, it is a big reason I took the job, haha. The lower stress levels at work also help significantly.

My complaint, low energy. I think what I feel is normal, or maybe as normal as bipolar me gets to feel. Concentrating and accomplishing tasks is still a struggle. Also, I am sleeping twelve to sixteen hours a day. Can’t I be better than normal? Can meds make me normal with a push towards happy?

Is everything fixed. No. Will it ever be? I doubt. But I am moving along, one sleepy step at a time.

Current Medication: Lamictal 200mg, Prozac 30mg (one week), Seroquel XR 300mg, Gabapentin 2400mg so far (prescribed dose is 1800mg, sigh, desperation), Strattera 80mg, Caffeine Pill 1000mgish

doing bipolar alright… i think