Fine is shitty

Today was a good day, well, it started that way. I fought my negativity, driving to work. After every negative thought I repeat “Your best is enough,” to myself. It got me a bit pumped up.

After work I headed home, spent the last four hours alone, Dan is working late. Slowly my mood deteriorated, well, I guess, by the afternoon I was my apathetic self. 

These meds have taken the lows, but they took the highs too. Yeah, I had a good start to the day, but my operating state is blah to bad. 

Am I just not doing enough? Probably. 

Anxiety has been hitting me over the last hour. I’m fighting again, I acknowledge it, take it to the worst possible end and reiterate to myself that I’ll be just fine.

I’m picking up Seroquel XR and beer right now. I’m not supposed to be drinking because of the medications and because all of the god damn weight I’ve gained.

Oh, well. I’m fine. Right? Fuck. 

My normal mood level, fine, tense but trying, unfocused but treading water. With Adderall I sometimes felt fine, fine like alright, not fine as in not suicidal. Fine used to be alright.

Fine is shitty.

Current Medication: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 37.5mg (tapering), Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 600mg, Strattera 80mg, Caffeine Pill 400mg

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Fine is shitty

5 thoughts on “Fine is shitty

  1. Thanks for sharing.

    I understand what you mean. Depending on where I am with meds and mood, my notion of what is “fine” is on a sliding scale. Throw in my terrible body image–especially owed to the massive weight gain attribute to the demon drug, Geodon–and some days not thinking “I fucking hate myself” on repeat for seven hours constitutes a “good day.”

    I quit drinking alcohol because of interactions with Wellbutrin, Paxil, and Lithium. Seizures are a real risk. I miss drinking sometimes. I was a big self-medicator. Do what you need to do to get through. Sometimes that is all we can do. Best of luck, mate.

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  2. I can’t remember the last time I felt better than just “fine” (Oh, yes I can, for a couple of days on Percoset after I had back surgery when I was a bit TOO fine.) The blahs are kind of my normal too, and I haven’t found a drug that fixes them. But I gave up on the antipsychotics. No more Seroquel or Abilify or Latuda or Risperdal or Zyprexa. I’ve tried them all, and I just end up angry and obese and I guess I prefer apathy. I have stuck with ADHD meds for awhile now, I landed on Vyvanse after a couple of others. It isn’t motivation or fulfilment in capsule form, but it’s a step above believing existence is futile.
    Good luck finding the right med combo. Keep fighting for what you want your life to be, don’t just accept what your doctor says as gospel. If you don’t like how you feel or look on a med, then say so. Take that one off the table and ask for something new. It’s YOUR body and your brain, you’re in charge of it. Don’t be “nice”, be an advocate for yourself, a loud one if necessary. You aren’t just a patient or a client, you are a CUSTOMER. Make sure you are getting what your doctors, pharmacists, and drug companies are charging you for.
    😊

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Eric says:

    The meds seem to take everything and dampen their effect: the highs are no longer wild and the lows are not so down, but for me, lately, the lows have gained in intensity. I’m really feeling it. The highs not so much. I stay awake longer and sleep longer, that doesn’t make sense does it? It’s all change. And we are used to change. Our cycles/episodes are always changing our reality. Try different meds. You’re taking quite a cocktail right now, see if you can go on a smaller team of meds to stabilize you. I am on lithium 900mg and ziprazidone (Geodon) 160mg. There’s no getting past the weight gain. But after being on the meds merry-go-round, I found that I can get by on just two meds. Give it a try. What have you got to lose?

    Don’t let anyone tell you “You’ll be fine.” Remind them that this is a REAL illness with REAL side effects. I feel for ya. 🙂

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  4. I just started Seroquel (with Geodon, Lamicatal, Lithium). It chills me out from mania for a while. I take it when I get home from work if I don’t have to drive anywhere. I’m not up to the 2 pills that I’m supposed to take because it makes me really groggy on my morning drive. I’ve been hypomanic/manic for 3 months. And today my mood sank down below level. I’m grateful for the reprieve, but hello Damien Rice and bad poetry.

    Liked by 1 person

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