Today was a good day, well, it started that way. I fought my negativity, driving to work. After every negative thought I repeat “Your best is enough,” to myself. It got me a bit pumped up.
After work I headed home, spent the last four hours alone, Dan is working late. Slowly my mood deteriorated, well, I guess, by the afternoon I was my apathetic self.
These meds have taken the lows, but they took the highs too. Yeah, I had a good start to the day, but my operating state is blah to bad.
Am I just not doing enough? Probably.
Anxiety has been hitting me over the last hour. I’m fighting again, I acknowledge it, take it to the worst possible end and reiterate to myself that I’ll be just fine.
I’m picking up Seroquel XR and beer right now. I’m not supposed to be drinking because of the medications and because all of the god damn weight I’ve gained.
Oh, well. I’m fine. Right? Fuck.
My normal mood level, fine, tense but trying, unfocused but treading water. With Adderall I sometimes felt fine, fine like alright, not fine as in not suicidal. Fine used to be alright.
Fine is shitty.
Current Medication: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 37.5mg (tapering), Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 600mg, Strattera 80mg, Caffeine Pill 400mg