Thinking about not thinking about it

I’m trying.

I’m feeling a bit better than earlier. I called Dan and told him how my morning was going, asked if he thought it’d be alright for me to call my psychiatrist again.

Calling her is nearly a weekly event, but I just want to be okay. I want to be in a space where I don’t feel the need to call her. I know I am exhausting, I feel bad. But I want to want to do things, anything.

If I looked forward to something, anything, work would be easier. Life would be easier.

Right now I am thinking about not thinking about “it”.

“It” the apathy, helplessness, depresion, my desires to die — it. But I don’t understand how you stop thinking about it. I just think about it more.  I abscess.

It never works, thinking about not thinking about it.  

Current Medication: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 37.5mg (tapering), Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 600mg, Strattera 80mg, Caffeine Pill 400mg

Thinking about not thinking about it

3 thoughts on “Thinking about not thinking about it

  1. You know, I am most of the time not that well, and I am going to the doc complaining and crying and telling shit to her. But then I am feeling better and I dont want to go to speak with her anymore. IN my delusional stage I am really thinking I am just fine and she is the crazy one and she try to sell me the stupid pills because she eventually has been contracted by who knows what farmaceutic company. It is like…. “who are we? The bipolar! What we want? A cure to bipolarity! And when do we want it? We dont want it anymore!!!


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