I’m sitting eating dinner, we are at a wedding, we is Dan and I.
During the wedding, awful. It is a homo wedding. Is it bad that I want to put wedding in quotes because of that? Oh well, let’s avoid the rabbit hole of internalized homophobia on this post.
I always compare. Their love, God, I wish I loved like that. God, I should break up with Dan, I don’t have that love. Dan isn’t cute enough, look at that guy two rows up. I’d fuck him ’til he cried.
Dan is perfect. Fuck. I love him. He is brilliant, kind, funny, passionate — everything.
Yet, I see a happy couple and think he isn’t enough. He could be more attractive, successful… just more.
I always compare, always feel less than. Always find reason that I am not enough, never enough.
Silent, I stop talking, engaging and blend into the background as my mind tortures me. Never enough.
Now four beers into the night, I’m feeling fine again, feeling good enough. But alcohol is only a temporary relief, I know.
No one will ever be good enough. You’re not enough.
I’m not enough.
Current Medication: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 37.5mg (tapering), Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 600mg, Strattera 80mg, Caffeine Pill 400mg