You’re not enough 

I’m sitting eating dinner, we are at a wedding, we is Dan and I. 

During the wedding, awful. It is a homo wedding. Is it bad that I want to put wedding in quotes because of that? Oh well, let’s avoid the rabbit hole of internalized homophobia on this post.

I always compare. Their love, God, I wish I loved like that. God, I should break up with Dan, I don’t have that love. Dan isn’t cute enough, look at that guy two rows up. I’d fuck him ’til he cried.

Dan is perfect. Fuck. I love him. He is brilliant, kind, funny, passionate — everything. 

Yet, I see a happy couple and think he isn’t enough. He could be more attractive, successful… just more. 

I always compare, always feel less than. Always find reason that I am not enough, never enough. 

Silent, I stop talking, engaging and blend into the background as my mind tortures me. Never enough.

Now four beers into the night, I’m feeling fine again, feeling good enough. But alcohol is only a temporary relief, I know.

No one will ever be good enough. You’re not enough. 

I’m not enough. 

Current Medication: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 37.5mg (tapering), Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 600mg, Strattera 80mg, Caffeine Pill 400mg

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You’re not enough 

6 thoughts on “You’re not enough 

  1. I don’t “like” this because I like what you are going through but it’s more to tell you I acknowledge it and sympathize. Hang in there! I know I’m just a stranger saying words, but I hope for you (and myself) that this is something that will get better…eventually… ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You might be a stranger but by your comments I know your a person, a person with shared experiences and empathy, community is a powerful thing. I mean that. I would have never had the courage to face my sexuality if I didn’t know so many powerful wonderful gays. Bipolar disorder is similarly isolating, knowing there is a community out there, that is powerful.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. thebipolarchristianblog says:

    You are not alone. These thoughts, these torturous mind-games are inside most of us just clamoring away to upend our progress. When they surface, shush them away and disregard them. You don’t need that kind of crap ruining your happiness.

    Like

  3. bobritzema says:

    How easy it is for thoughts to spiral downward! None of us is ever enough, or maybe it’s that we’re all enough. What I can’t stand, and maybe you can’t either, is constantly judging whether I’m enough or not.

    Liked by 1 person

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