Give up

I feel fucking awful. Just grinding away at my day, like always.

Ninety precent of the time this is where I am at. We’ve thrown so many damn meds at this, and yet — still here. Fuck. I think this is just my normal. Maybe it is everyone’s normal, it fucking sucks. I tell myself I can do anything, anything on earth, there is fucking nothing I want to do. Nothing. Eating, video games, socializing, jerking off, I just don’t fucking care.

At work I watch the minutes pass by, litterally. I don’t know why. It isn’t like life is worth living when I get off. It still fucking sucks. Every minute is a waste of existence. Fuck.

Dan and I are about to go on a vacation, and I don’t care. I’ll be like this, at work or off, I just don’t want to be alive. 

Fuck. 

Current Meds: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 37.5mg (tapering), Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 300 – 600mg, Strattera 80mg (first day, increased from 54mg), Caffeine Pill 400mg

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Give up

17 thoughts on “Give up

  1. Breaking Free says:

    The not caring sucks, I know. Try to find one thing during your vacation that you can try to center the little bit of enthusiasm you may be able to muster for no matter how short a period it may be. Maybe it is the touch of his hand in yours, or the feel of the morning sun for first few seconds of the day. For me, I use my husband’s eyes. They are a deep brown with soft gold flecks that I can get lost in easily. I have spent the last 25 years memorizing those eyes. Now, when I need to force myself into motion I put on my mask (I have many depending on the situation, years of practice ) and then concentrate on Bob’s eyes. They still pull me to the surface when I feel like I am drowning. Maybe you have something similar, a lifeline to tie you here instead of the oblivion of apathy that “Treated” Bipolar draws you into.
    It can get easier.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sigh…. I just wanna tell you one thing, remember, you, me, we, everybody who is in this situation, we are not taking pills because we have o fix ourselfs, we are just fine, we are taking the damn stupid pills because the world it is damn crazy and we have to fits in. On the other hand… I have been there so many times….

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. I’m sorry I can’t tell you some magical cure that will make it go away. I’m sorry that it would be a lie if I told you that a vacation is all you need.
    I wish I could be of help, but all I can do is tell you that I hope you feel better. I hope you don’t lose hope. I hope you can stand up and walk again. That you can wake up in the morning and smile at the sky and clouds.
    I know that this probably won’t help. But at least I tried, right?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. God, I know how that feels. I’m on a new med that I started a few days ago. Just sick of trying at this point. It’s my fifth one in a years time and it’s starting to feel like nothing is helping. And of course, the suicidal thoughts are taking control more than ever. I hope you can hang on for longer.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I hate that you are feeling this way. I have that particular t-shirt, and it is so uncomfortable to wear (which you almost don’t notice, because you don’t even care that its uncomfortable). I have no words of wisdom, other than, more than likely, you will find at least one bright shiny moment, somewhere in your weekend, somewhere in your trip, and that might make all the difference. Try to stay in the moment as much as you can.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Peter Hoefgen says:

    Hope you’re doing better. I completely understand feeling this way, I have over the past couple of months. Try to focus on one thing that you love doing and hopefully the feelings will pass.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I get that grinding away at the days feeling. And then what’s the point because I live alone and have nothing to come home to so why do I not loooooooove being at work but when I am all I want to do is be at home doing nothing. This is such a fucked up illness

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’ve been feeling this way about my job, and about my home life and wondering why can’t I just be okay with the way things are? Always planning for a better me, a better life but when the work day ends it’s just another version of not getting anything done. But what you said in this comment about a war within our own minds, that explains a lot of it.

    Like

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