Anxiety. I learned to lay down exhausted, otherwise my mind raced through my insecurities, short comings, obligations and anything I found stressful. I found everything stressful.
Lying down exhausted meant I skipped the inevitable racing of my mind.
Caffeine became a crutch. I’ve never let go.
One and half caffeine pills, 300mg kicked off my day. A half hour later, two excedrin, sometimes three, 65mg each. All swallowed with Diet Coke or coffee.
Diet Coke is an all day thing. Water? Ehh.
To be fare, Seraquel causes drowsiness and so does Gabapentin. Part of my caffeine intake is to compensate for that. But it is still absurd.
Yesterday I drank eleven — eleven cans of Diet Coke and one 20oz bottle. Yeah. Horrifying.
A can of Diet Coke contains 46mg of caffeine, so 506mg for eleven cans plus 77mg from the 20oz bottle.
All together, 1078mg of caffeine yesterday. Low energy used to mean crashing, being tired scary. Self medicating with caffeine placates me.
My caffeine consumption has increased post Adderall. I only started using caffeine pills a few months back. Instead of reaching for another chunk of an Adderall tablet I reach for caffeine.
Summer is always slow at work, less to do, I keep telling myself I’ll wait until then to start weaning off of it. It worries me. Caffeine is also a crutch in my battle with apathy. It doesn’t work. My body has adjusted now, 1078mg of caffeine and I don’t even feel energetic. Instead, I’m merely avoiding the inevitable headache if I don’t get the caffeine.
Caffeine is a shitty tool. Yet I am too weak to let it go yet.
Maybe once I have energy instead of apathy I’ll have the strength. Maybe.
Current Meds: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 37.5mg (tapering), Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 300 – 600mg, Strattera 54mg, Caffeine Pill 400mg