I’m a shitty person

1926-paint-boothFocus. Today, right now, I am supposed to be working on a task that requires extended concentration. I can’t. I mean, I guess I might be able to force myself. It is so damn difficult. Especially with the apathy.

I wait. I want meds to solve it, meds to do more. They must. Must they?

What if they don’t? That prospect terrifies me. What if this is the new me? It is simply unacceptable. Anything that requires my extended attention, doomed. I used to enjoy my work, completing tasks. Contributing, I miss contributing, still I just survive. Every day I aim to survive, that is my success.

It isn’t success. I know that.

Self-worth, I am void of that – entirely. Meaning I rely on external validation to make it through my days. Being barely function, only capable of faking the motions, of going through my day, it is pathetic. I’m pathetic. It makes me sad.

I’ve quit Adderall, but what person am I going to be? This person isn’t acceptable. A limited emotional range, blah, okay down, that is all I feel. No motivation, none. I just don’t care about anything. Sigh.

It feels like we are building a person, my doctors and I. Each medication adds a new feature. First we eliminated that panic, then worked on the anxiety, now apathy – I wonder who the person we are building will be.

Will I like him? Will he like me? Will he enjoy running again? God, I miss the desire to run. It used to be such a relief, such a high to push myself, to run until every part of me ached.

Will he want to garden again? My garden used to be so beautiful, I enjoyed watching the plants bloom and flourish? Now it is overgrown, unmanaged, weeds are taking over, will I care?

Coding, I so enjoyed make small simplistic programs for fun. I enjoyed the intellectual exercise of it, I enjoyed being challenged. Now? I can’t even look at code without feeling overwhelmed. It is so difficult to force myself to code, I don’t want to force myself, I want to enjoy it.

Have I lost all that? Does the new me enjoy nothing? Does the new me feel overwhelmed with the most trivial of tasks.

I am so disappointed in him, in me. He isn’t a full person. He is someone I am ashamed of, and yet I am trapped, I am him. And I just keep hoping he becomes someone worth knowing. Currently he is unacceptable. I need meds to fix this. I can’t. I am unacceptable.

I’m a shitty person.

Current Meds: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 75mg, Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 300 – 600mg, Strattera 36mg morning & 16mg at 4pm, Caffeine Pill 400mg

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I’m a shitty person

3 thoughts on “I’m a shitty person

  1. Breaking Free says:

    Apathy seems to be the killer lurking in the shadows of Bipolar. I wasn’t told that the way the meds stopped that crazy manic / depressive swinging pendulum I called daily life was to disconnect me from all of the highs of life as well. Apathy–it is a word I have come to accept and secretly hate. I do not like the person I have become, the ironic part is I didn’t like who I was before either.

    Like

  2. Apathy is so hard to fight, yet that’s exactly what you need to do. Get mad as hell and fight back. The meds will hopefully help you find the strength within to fight. I’m glad you find your current state unacceptable because it means you’re aware of how you’re doing and you can do something about it. My suggestion, if I may make one, is to stay on your meds and try to realize that when you say “I’m a shitty person.” you’re expressing feelings. Remember that our feelings lie to us. Mine lie to me all the time. The first thing I do is to make sure I’m taking all my meds and that I haven’t forgotten any. Then I force myself to journal about how I feel and try really hard to acknowledge that they are feelings… they are not who I fundamentally am. As your meds begin to help you, be open to taking up the sword and fighting back. Don’t give up. Apathy whispers to you that you should just quit. Don’t quit. Get mad. Hate the apathy. Fight back!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally force myself to journal too, sometimes that stuff gets posted here, sometimes it ends up being crumpled papers in the bottom of my desk draw.
      I do take up that sword sometimes already, I look forward to always being armed and ready.

      Liked by 1 person

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