Not living, just existing

Dan, my partner, has been concerned about my apathy. The anxiety is gone, to be honest, I didn’t fully realize the level of apathy I am experiencing until Dan emailed me the message below. Hopefully Strattera will help with the apathy.

—— email —— 

I feel like you’ve been imploding, like you are just surviving every day. You’ve stopped crashing, but in its place you’ve just become this bitter, resentful person. 

You were always a really passionate person, whether it was about work, or learning coding or working in your garden, but there isn’t passion anymore. You just became a vacuum that sucks excitement or joy out of the room because you can’t build any enthusiasm for anything. 

You battle your way through the day so you can come home and sit on the couch and stare at a simplistic video game you couldn’t care less about until you can go to sleep and start all over. 

You aren’t living, you’re just existing and it’s painful to be around. 

I miss the passionate man I fell in love with. 

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Not living, just existing

16 thoughts on “Not living, just existing

  1. I am sad you are experiencing this horrid apathy. I experience this in waves during depressive episodes. It just sucks the interest out of me. I just get up, do basic functioning in autopilot and just want night to come so I can go to bed. It is really tough on our partners when we are like this. I feel sad for them too. (I am single now, though). I find writing about my experiences and what it feels like at the time helps me and I hope them reading it will help them understand why it is the way it is. Thankfully, it gets better. But, bipolar, being what it is, means the episode comes back again. Good luck, I hope you feel better soon x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Terri Eloise says:

    I too am sorry. I hope you don’t feel alienated or less than normal. Mostly, I hope for understanding and wellness for you both. Best Wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. myambivalentexistence says:

    *fingers crossed the medication works* *hugs* Really sorry you are going through that. I’ve been there and it’s a shitty way to live :/

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Aww, this is heartbreaking. Dan has such empathy which is the perfect ingredient for a bipolar person. Receiving an observation from outside of ourselves can be very helpful. If I were in your shoes, I’d go back to your doc and explain the situation. You don’t want bipolar or the meds affecting your wonderful relationship with Dan. I know this is not a pleasant place to be. I will be thinking of you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My psychiatrist put me on Stattera when I talked to her about the apathy. I called a few days later and she gave me permission to up the dose, currently at 54mg. It should be more noticeable after the first week or two, fingers crossed. Dan has been my rock through this. I’m not exactly close to my family. He is my family. I wouldn’t have made it without him. He knows that.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I haven’t been reading long enough to know much about your relationship, but, owww, that email hurt! It is good that your partner feels comfortable enough with you to really let you know how he feels and how your mental health issues affect him, and hopefully you two can work out how he can support you in getting over some of that apathy. It seems like he wants to help, and that is such a good (and rare!!) thing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We work well together. He has been my everything during all this. We’ve learned that neither of us have time for anything other then honesty. Even this, it is helpful to have his perspective, I didn’t realize how debilitating the apathy had become.

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  6. I’m not sure why people think it’s acceptable to tell us the brutal truths about ourselves like we DON’T KNOW. I know my faults. They spin around in my head all day. I don’t need anyone to point them out whether it’s in a loving way or not. Your medication list seems a little off to me. Why was the Adderall discontinued? I have had great success with Viibryd, Topamax,, Adderall and Klonopin as a Bipolar Cocktail. I know everyone is different but most of these meds do leave you feeling kind of like a zombie. To counter act that my Doctor uses the Adderall. I can’t say things are perfect but they are better than they were. Good luck.

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    1. His view was actually helpful. I’m experiencing the apathy, I don’t fully comprehend its impact. I didn’t think about how my lack of enthusiasm for anything affects him. Apathy is better then anxiety, his point of view motivated me to talk to my doctor, that this still wasn’t an acceptable state. Dan and I love each other, so damn much, I want him to always be honest.

      Your med list is interesting, I’m not aware of some of those meds, I’ll have to do some googling. Any meds particularly effective?

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      1. The Viibryd (vilazodone hydrochloride) is a fairly new Bipolar Medication. For me it has had very little side effects. It is extremely expensive if you do not have good health insurance or a doctor that is willing to help with samples. Topamax was originally used for migraines and seizures. Scientists realized that it had an effect on regulating the “moods” in Bipolar Patients. It is also half of a prescription weight loss drug. Klonopin is for severe anxiety and panic attacks. I am still angry when I think of all the years I spent dry heaving in public restrooms from Social Phobia because no Doctor would prescribe me a fast acting anxiety medication. Adderall was given to me during a particular depressive episode. I did well on it, so we continued. I have quite a few cognitive issues due to Celiac Disease and never had energy my entire life. For the first time I actually started to do things without being in a manic state. Sorry for being defensive. I have lived most of my life with the people around me telling me my faults and never saying “It’s ok. You’re ok”. I think for once I just want to hear that. It’s tiring to constantly hear you have to change. Specifically when you live in a family of dysfunction, and it isn’t always you that needs to change. Good luck. There is so much mental illness on my mother’s side of the family that my twin sister and I knew at some point one of us would draw the short straw. I’ve been researching all of this for the past 6 years and it doesn’t get any easier but it helps to understand why.

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