You won’t make it

Monday is therapy day. My session today involved a lot of crying, rough session. My therapist, who I love, ended the session with a notable statement.

“I’m not suppose to say this, but if you keep waiting on medication to fix this you aren’t gonna make it.”

Current Medication: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 37.5mg (tapering), Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 2700mg so far (prescribed dose is 1200mg, sigh, desperation), Strattera 80mg, Caffeine Pill 1000mg maybe

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You won’t make it

Today I am 


Lying on the couch again, no desire to do anything. No Suprise either. 

Three months of this, sigh. Never thought I’d miss Adderall. It gave me terrible lows, but at least I had highs too.

At least I felt something.

Current Medication: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 37.5mg (tapering), Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 2700mg so far (prescribed dose is 1200mg, sigh, desperation), Strattera 80mg, Caffeine Pill 1000mg maybe

Today I am 

How to Trigger Hypomania 

Pills, and more pills. 

My psychiatrist doubled my Gabapentin dose two days ago. 

Blah to awful has been my mood. Not anxious, entirely apathetic, no desires, goals, wants — nothing. 

My doctor attempted to sit down and missed her chair. She fell and laughed and laughed. I didn’t. She commented that laughing is okay, it was a humorous event. I winced.

“Do you laugh?”

No. Nothing is funny, interesting or worthwhile.

She doubled my Gabapentin and wants it tripled next week, going from 600mg to 1800mg. Then she wants to start trying other antidepressants. My psychiatrist acknowledged that antidepressants and bipolar disorder is somewhat controversial but reinforced that she thought an antidepressants could be helpful.

Two days ago, first day with increased Gabapentin, glorious. I even texted Dan stating “Today is glorious.” First day of medicine changes are often good, changes often trigger some level of Hypomania. This did.

Today I consumed 2400mg of Gabapentin, four pills. I felt alright, but not the Hypomania I was chasing. Until Seroquel XR time. I take my Seroquel XR 600mg at 8:30. It knocks me out by 10:30 or 11:00pm.

Half an hour after taking Seroquel, boom, Hypomanic. Didn’t even see it coming. Dessert made, dishes done, blog post happening, energy.

I wonder if any med will let me be partially hypomanic. I have desires, energy, jokes, I love this person.

Can’t I keep him? 

Current Medication: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 37.5mg (tapering), Seroquel XR 600mg maybe, Gabapentin 2400mg (tripled two days ago), Strattera 80mg, Caffeine Pill 1000mg maybe

How to Trigger Hypomania 

Fine is shitty

Today was a good day, well, it started that way. I fought my negativity, driving to work. After every negative thought I repeat “Your best is enough,” to myself. It got me a bit pumped up.

After work I headed home, spent the last four hours alone, Dan is working late. Slowly my mood deteriorated, well, I guess, by the afternoon I was my apathetic self. 

These meds have taken the lows, but they took the highs too. Yeah, I had a good start to the day, but my operating state is blah to bad. 

Am I just not doing enough? Probably. 

Anxiety has been hitting me over the last hour. I’m fighting again, I acknowledge it, take it to the worst possible end and reiterate to myself that I’ll be just fine.

I’m picking up Seroquel XR and beer right now. I’m not supposed to be drinking because of the medications and because all of the god damn weight I’ve gained.

Oh, well. I’m fine. Right? Fuck. 

My normal mood level, fine, tense but trying, unfocused but treading water. With Adderall I sometimes felt fine, fine like alright, not fine as in not suicidal. Fine used to be alright.

Fine is shitty.

Current Medication: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 37.5mg (tapering), Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 600mg, Strattera 80mg, Caffeine Pill 400mg

Fine is shitty

Thinking about not thinking about it

I’m trying.

I’m feeling a bit better than earlier. I called Dan and told him how my morning was going, asked if he thought it’d be alright for me to call my psychiatrist again.

Calling her is nearly a weekly event, but I just want to be okay. I want to be in a space where I don’t feel the need to call her. I know I am exhausting, I feel bad. But I want to want to do things, anything.

If I looked forward to something, anything, work would be easier. Life would be easier.

Right now I am thinking about not thinking about “it”.

“It” the apathy, helplessness, depresion, my desires to die — it. But I don’t understand how you stop thinking about it. I just think about it more.  I abscess.

It never works, thinking about not thinking about it.  

Current Medication: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 37.5mg (tapering), Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 600mg, Strattera 80mg, Caffeine Pill 400mg

Thinking about not thinking about it