Anxious Apathy

Anxious. Apathetic. Both?

Chicken, egg?

Tuesday? A bit rough. Sometimes I journal to occupy myself, or to distract. Doing it at work makes me feel like a shitty person for wasting the company’s time, but I’m usually in non-functional states when journaling like this. So I rationalize I’d be wasting company time either way. Oh well. Below is what I hammered out a few days back. I’m looking forward to my next psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday. 

My morning consistently start low. My mood hovers in the apathetic zone for at least a few hours. Do I hate my job? I don’t think so, it is hard going to work, but I’d guess most people prefer weekends to workdays, and I bet most do have a consistent apathetic feeling throughout their days. 

Can meds fix it? I don’t know. I hope so. Seroquel helps. The panic I used to have is largely absent. However, that has uncovered the apathy. The hopelessness, the void.
I don’t have much to work on, not sure what my expectations are, but again, others feel this way, I am certain. Others don’t deal with a constant low mood. Fighting to feel alright.
Seroquel did give my mood a push in the right direction, that effect has waned in the past few days. Another med, another med that will work for a week or two, then back to apathy, to nothingness. How do people do this? How?

There must be a med that will work, that will actually take care of all sorrow. People can’t live like this, there is no way. 

My psychiatrist will be mad. Group, group solves all. No. Group solves nothing. If I have to fight, if I have to always fight this, the game is already over. I lose. Well, I wonder through life waiting for it to feel worthwhile. Hoping that I find a day I am happy to wake up to.
I’m sad. I’m tired. I took an extra 25mg of Seroquel a few hours ago. I took it because I felt down, I always feel down. Always. It always feels so hopeless.

Part of the hopelessness is frustration, frustration and fear. Will my mood normalize again? Will the sadness end? It always ends, I know that. But waiting to live, god, it is maddening. 

Haven’t I been on enough pills? Please god, I have. Why would the next pill work? It won’t, I just need to be stronger, need to overcome this. What if I can’t? 

I’ll be doomed to exist here, here in misery. Please, please make it stop. I can try to distract myself, but it is still here, just waiting for me to let my guard down, then my mind spirals into the darkness, the nothingness that is this, is my mood, my existence. 

Nothing. 

Nothing. I’m a void. A lack, a lack of functioning, of existing, of contributing, of being – god, I am dramatic. But I do feel complete and overwhelming hopelessness. I do feel anxious about being found out, being a damn fraud, slacking off at work, but I am not slacking, there isn’t much to do. It is good that work is slow, I can’t get the work done anyways. I’m so damn sick of all of this. You have no idea.

How many more pills will it take for life to find me? For enjoyment to find me? For the desire to exist, to be, to contribute, to socialize, to I don’t know, stop feeling like I am waiting to find worth, and desires, excitement, contentment, anything. 

Sad. Pathetic. Helpless. Worthless me.
I know. I shouldn’t tell myself I am worthless. That isn’t healthy. Okay, I won’t tell myself that. I will try to focus on the positive. It is so damn hard when my mood is so low. And there is no tangible reason for it to be low. I dislike my job right now, but that shouldn’t overwhelm me. My job isn’t particularly difficult. 

I am tired. I am allowed to be tired. Meds, new meds, today or next week, and a hope that I want to live, some day. Someday I will. Hang on. Keep hanging on. 

Maybe I am not sad. Maybe I am tired. Maybe, maybe I am constantly questioning my mood. Do normal people focus so much on their mood? I don’t think so.

Even if I need to try harder, is there any reason to not continuing to try different medications? One might make my life easier, more bearable, more worthwhile, more. Just more.

—- An hour later

I wonder if focusing on it makes it worse. Honestly, I don’t think so. It is there regardless. I spent the last five or ten minutes humming and telling myself I’m alright. Does it impact my mood? No.

I have spent the last half-hour helping out with tech and interacting with people. Is the sadness distracted? No.

Before the diagnoses, I thought I controlled my emotions, like a normal human. I’d focus on being happy, eventually my mood would change. However, being bipolar, I now understand my mood adjust with time, not effort. I am a passive observer of my emotional state. I wait, wait to feel functional, to feel alive.

It isn’t like I have given up, even knowing my efforts rarely impact my underlying mood.

Current Meds: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 75mg, Seroquel XR 300mg, Caffeine Pill 400mg

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Anxious Apathy

8 thoughts on “Anxious Apathy

  1. I know that you have bipolar disorder, but is it possible that there is something at work here besides a biochemical disorder? My psychiatrist told me that I should go to a therapist who does EMDR therapy. I just visited this therapist for the first time last week. But you mention getting rid of all the sadness … and I know you know, there is sadness in life, and pills won’t get rid of it. Have you suffered from any major traumas or abuse in life? My therapist said that when you do, often the experience gets stuck in the right side of the brain, and thought doing physical work (mostly eye movement), you can get it out of the right hemisphere and into the left, where you can understand and deal with it. I haven’t tried this yet, so I don’t know if it works, and of course I don’t know if it applies to you at all. Or possibly some other somatic therapy … not that I know anything about it!

    Do you belong to Kaiser, by the way, or another HMO? They seem to want to shuffle everybody into a group rather than dealing with them individually.

    I hope you find an answer. It is a terrible thing to live with sadness. It is terrible to live with the apathy as well, but it is better than sadness I think (unless you are a poet, anyway). God bless.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Another healthcare provider. My mental health benefits are a train wreck. My therapist told me they are the worst she has ever seen. However, on New Years this year I realized I might not make it through the year, that I might end it, so I stopped caring about cost. I told myself I could spend anything to try and keep me here.

      Therapy worries me, meds hopefully can do more. Therapy can be useful, but I think I need meds to help just a bit more, idk. Maybe I am cheating and hoping meds make me happen, idk.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lamictal revolutionized my life when I first started on it (a lifetime ago) but after about 5 years I had to stop taking it as I developed vertigo (I was taking it for my bipolar as well as for a seizure disorder so I was on high, high dosages.) Haven’t found a med that worked so well on my bipolar depression everything kills my bipolar highs but not being able to function, that’s a bigger deal to me (at least emotionally) so my search continues. My best days are “group” days. It’s really the only time I socialize with anyone and I always blossom. I’m kind of a leader in group. They all find me funny and sincere (which I am), but I feel safe there so I guess I’m lucky. About 5 months ago I discovered aromatherapy. I like doTerra’s Balance (I use it daily) as well as Elevation when I feel like I am spiralling downward or Serenity when I am particularly emotionally upset– crying or on the verge, it seems to calm me. You can sniff straight from the bottle or diffuse it. I only mention it because I can tell how fed up you are with meds. I am going to keep exploring these essential oils and see what else. I’m not saying replace meds for oils, I’m saying give it a shot, an added boast to any environment. Here’s the link from my “wellness advocate.” https://www.mydoterra.com/melissaderr/#/

    Memee

    Liked by 2 people

    1. They actually asked about using essential oils on my group intake form, I had no idea what they were talking about. I’m going to let traditional meds fail me for a while longer, but I will keep this in mind. Thanks

      Liked by 1 person

  3. When I was put on Seroquel my goal dosage was 600mg, half of what you currently take. Possibly your psychiatrist has untold plans of increasing your Seroquel in increments. It seems logical that if you currently benefit from it slightly, a higher dose may be the ‘fix’ you need? I understand how you feel about the apathy. How one day grinds into another and you pass through the days, knuckles dragging the ground, wondering how to endure the nothingness and emptiness. I can’t offer a solution because I haven’t found one myself. I just keep dragging my heels, one foot in front of the other, as you say, waiting, for the mood to change. Taking one day at a time is important in this phase. If you look ahead to “the rest of your life” you’ll want to take a plunge and end it all. One day, today, this current hour, is all you focus on. That’s how I do it, and it works

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Dan got me to watch some of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, she has a bit about making it ten seconds at a time, because anyone can make it to the next ten seconds. Just finished this ten, on to the next.

      Liked by 2 people

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