Hate, Apathy and Panic

kazans_panic_in_the_street_trailer_screenshot_28829It just sits here, waiting. Always waiting.

Seroquel XR actually works. At 600mg it made a real difference. I experienced contentment, calm contentment. Of course, that can’t last.

Due to the severe reaction I had, my dose was cut in half. My psychiatrist is out of town. My doctor and I are trying to bide time until my pshycatrist gets back on Tuesday. I received a steroid shot, epinephrine shot and a steroid prescription. We decided to half my Seroquel dose, hoping I can make it until Tuesdau without hives. 

Half.

That calm feeling I got from 600mg of Seroquel is gone. I awoke in a mild state of panic. This is my operating state without medication. The panic leads to apathy.

Why?

No matter what I do, the panic, the anxiety just sits there. It isn’t distractable. Sure, I can call my mom and catch up. Every pause in the conversation, my mind runs through insecurities, past mistakes and worries, thoughts that make sense with my anxious mood.

Trapped. It doesn’t matter what I do, panic follows. Therefore, hopelessness and apathy set in. I try to fight, I always do. Today I made breakfast for Dan and I, called my mother, went to the gym, did some grocery shopping, none of it mattered – panic always followed.

I just took Seroquel, 300mg, an hour or two early, I just want relief.

And that is it. I want to read back through this blog, give it clear direction and all that. But I am too apathetic. I just don’t give a fuck about it, about anything. I am going to go cook some shitty frozen dinner and have a beer. No wonder why my body has gone to shit over the last year.

Dan went to hang out with a friend. I wish I had friends. I asked if I could tag along, even though it is a friend I don’t get along with, I just didn’t want to be alone. I know this all overwhelms him. But he is so lucky. I wish I could take a few hour break from my depression horse shit and go hang out with friends.

Time for my fat ass to drink beer and pretend like life is fucking worth it. Fuck.

Update (hour later) – And it is gone. The panic, the layer of fear over everything has disapated. God, I can’t believe I am allergic to Seroquel, it is such an effective drug for me. Sigh. Oh well, for now I will enjoy the calm. 

Update Update (hour-twenty later) – Oh, not all gone. A chunk of it is, but some is still here. Maybe I’ll take another 300. I don’t know. I don’t want hives, but I don’t want to feel this, panic, apathy, hopeless – sigh.

Update Update Update (two hours later) – Took a second 300mg of Seroquel. Please work. A few hours of peace before bed, please. 

Update (two hours and twenty minutes later) – Watching the same show over and over just for noise. Started downloading a bunch of apps, thought I’d find a game to play. Six new apps later, my apathy overwhelms everything. So I sit here alone and wait until I feel like a person again. 

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Hate, Apathy and Panic

8 thoughts on “Hate, Apathy and Panic

  1. Robin says:

    Allergic to it!? Wow, that sucks. Isn’t there another psychiatrist in the office to talk to? That’s a long time to wait. Have you thought about going to the ER? Maybe your doctor could get you on a chill pill or something. You’re taking the Seroquel like it’s a chill pill. It doesn’t work that way. I hate to say this to you because it will probably make you mad, but the beer isn’t helping. I hope you find some peace tonight and can sleep.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Robin says:

    I understand. You had me a little worried with your Seroquel problems. I was worried you were using it to self medicate. How are you feeling now? I was hoping you’d reply. I’ve had extreme problems with some meds too and no med provider around to help so I understand. I ended up being cold turkey off Lamictal for a week then back on to the usual strength. Then I learned I nearly killed myself. It was such a nightmare. I couldn’t get my brain to stop. It was like a really mean cat trapped in a bag. I just wanted it to stop. I couldn’t sleep. It went on for almost 10 days. I should have been taken to the ER early on in the whole thing. So you’re still up. Where about are you? I’m on the west coast.

    Like

  3. You said it perfectly – our loved ones can take a break from us, but we have to live our fractured minds constantly, no break. And what a blow about the Seroquel. Not good. I really feel for you, given respite only to have it taken away. I’ve also travelled this road, not easy

    Liked by 1 person

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