Where pills get me

I want to want to do something. 

Apathy. Always. I can make myself do, I just cut the grass and fertilized it, but the desire isn’t there. Nothing, there is nothing I want to do. 

Maybe this is normal and I am used to Adderall powering me through all tasks.

But it feels so blah, so apathetic. This can’t be normal.

It could be mine though. This could be where pills get me and the rest is my responsibility. 

Awful.

——– Updated an hour later

Sitting at a burger joint, I finally wanted to do something, eat. I’m very focused on my diet the last few days, I put on 40lbs in the last year. Before this year I haven’t gained any weight since high school.

But it is so hard to say no when I actually want something. Seroquel is at it’s peak and boom — apathy gone. I want a burger and to play my 3DS (game boy, yes I’m a 30 yr old child).

Oh well, it is nice to want something. So nice.

——— Update to the update, 30 minutes later

Back home, ate and lost interest. Maybe I was just hungry. Although, Seroquel XR always gives me gas as it kicks, yeahhh. So I know it was kicking not in, maybe not enough for staying power.

I’m sick of this shit. Fuck apathy.

Where pills get me

What is my mood?

I obsess over it, my mood. Constantly I check in my head, are you okay?

Medication gives me break, Seroquel does at times, especially as the XR builds up throughout the day. At those times the mood checks taper off.

That is freedom. That is healthy. That is my goal. Obsessing over my mood, fearing it, the anxiety cripples me.

Freedom is not stopping to contemplate my mood. Freedom is my mood responding to my day, not my day molding to my mood.

What is my mood?

I’m a dick bag

I’m out with coworkers, happy hour. 

A few beers in and I am done.

I’m an asshole, but almost never do I enjoy someone’s company. People are so simplistic, dramatic and boring.

Really. I don’t give a fuck gossip, other people, whining. People are dull. Or maybe I am. I don’t know. And I am fully aware that much of this blog is me whining. Shit.

Yeah, I’m a dick. I’m smarter then these people, and it is obvious. Like, I know it, I don’t think they are, I know. And I mean it in an intellectual way, I am more capable then most people I meet. I am. And an odd thing about being intelligent, you can assess people’s intelligence with just a bit of conversation. I’m dyslexic, spelling and grammar, complete shit, but that doesn’t reflect my actual capabilities.

How you talk, what you say, what you are interested in and your opinions and what you base them on, all display your intellect. You can’t hide it. 

God. I sound like an asshole. I am right though. And it makes me just feel more distant from others and the world. Alone. I guess. 

Computers, computers are my friends. But I don’t even want to sit at computers since stopping Adderall. So maybe I don’t friends. 

Maybe that is okay.

It isn’t.

Alone.

Better. Or worse. But I’m not worse. God. 

God. I’m an asshole. But an honest asshole?

Current Meds: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 75mg, Seroquel XR 300mg, Gabapentin 300 – 600mg, Caffeine Pill 400mg

I’m a dick bag

Drugging my way out

Off work, hello couch. Hello apathy. I’m just laying here. God I’m sick of this bullshit.

Seroquel does help my anxiety and apathy, but it’s effect seems to have lessened with time. 

My psychiatrist added Gabapentin to help with. Today I took 300mg in the morning and 300mg at lunch. It might have helps slightly I the morning, but not enough.

More Seroquel, that is the answer. However, do to my allergic reaction when starting Seroquel, my psychiatrist wants to try other medications and only increase Seroquel as a last resort. 

I just took the last 25mg of the IR Seroquel I had. I’m feeling a bit better, at least I am writing a blog, so the apathy is less crippling then before.

The big question? Now do I cut up an ER tablet to give me an extra boost? 

Update (3 hours later) – I cut an XR tablet into fourths and swollowed one. Then I ate dinner and sat around a bit. But eventually I decided to clean out my disgusting car and listen to a podcast I like. 

After ten or so minutes I realized the apathy was gone. It must have just melted away. I want to think I overcame the apathy, that it was me. I’ve done this long enough now to know that is likely untrue. I overcame it, but I bet Seroquel helped.

Seroquel really is a miracle for me. I hope I can convince my doctor to prescribe a higher dose, even with the risk of another allergic reaction. 

Drugging my way out

Anxious Apathy

Anxious. Apathetic. Both?

Chicken, egg?

Tuesday? A bit rough. Sometimes I journal to occupy myself, or to distract. Doing it at work makes me feel like a shitty person for wasting the company’s time, but I’m usually in non-functional states when journaling like this. So I rationalize I’d be wasting company time either way. Oh well. Below is what I hammered out a few days back. I’m looking forward to my next psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday. 

My morning consistently start low. My mood hovers in the apathetic zone for at least a few hours. Do I hate my job? I don’t think so, it is hard going to work, but I’d guess most people prefer weekends to workdays, and I bet most do have a consistent apathetic feeling throughout their days. 

Can meds fix it? I don’t know. I hope so. Seroquel helps. The panic I used to have is largely absent. However, that has uncovered the apathy. The hopelessness, the void.
I don’t have much to work on, not sure what my expectations are, but again, others feel this way, I am certain. Others don’t deal with a constant low mood. Fighting to feel alright.
Seroquel did give my mood a push in the right direction, that effect has waned in the past few days. Another med, another med that will work for a week or two, then back to apathy, to nothingness. How do people do this? How?

There must be a med that will work, that will actually take care of all sorrow. People can’t live like this, there is no way. 

My psychiatrist will be mad. Group, group solves all. No. Group solves nothing. If I have to fight, if I have to always fight this, the game is already over. I lose. Well, I wonder through life waiting for it to feel worthwhile. Hoping that I find a day I am happy to wake up to.
I’m sad. I’m tired. I took an extra 25mg of Seroquel a few hours ago. I took it because I felt down, I always feel down. Always. It always feels so hopeless.

Part of the hopelessness is frustration, frustration and fear. Will my mood normalize again? Will the sadness end? It always ends, I know that. But waiting to live, god, it is maddening. 

Haven’t I been on enough pills? Please god, I have. Why would the next pill work? It won’t, I just need to be stronger, need to overcome this. What if I can’t? 

I’ll be doomed to exist here, here in misery. Please, please make it stop. I can try to distract myself, but it is still here, just waiting for me to let my guard down, then my mind spirals into the darkness, the nothingness that is this, is my mood, my existence. 

Nothing. 

Nothing. I’m a void. A lack, a lack of functioning, of existing, of contributing, of being – god, I am dramatic. But I do feel complete and overwhelming hopelessness. I do feel anxious about being found out, being a damn fraud, slacking off at work, but I am not slacking, there isn’t much to do. It is good that work is slow, I can’t get the work done anyways. I’m so damn sick of all of this. You have no idea.

How many more pills will it take for life to find me? For enjoyment to find me? For the desire to exist, to be, to contribute, to socialize, to I don’t know, stop feeling like I am waiting to find worth, and desires, excitement, contentment, anything. 

Sad. Pathetic. Helpless. Worthless me.
I know. I shouldn’t tell myself I am worthless. That isn’t healthy. Okay, I won’t tell myself that. I will try to focus on the positive. It is so damn hard when my mood is so low. And there is no tangible reason for it to be low. I dislike my job right now, but that shouldn’t overwhelm me. My job isn’t particularly difficult. 

I am tired. I am allowed to be tired. Meds, new meds, today or next week, and a hope that I want to live, some day. Someday I will. Hang on. Keep hanging on. 

Maybe I am not sad. Maybe I am tired. Maybe, maybe I am constantly questioning my mood. Do normal people focus so much on their mood? I don’t think so.

Even if I need to try harder, is there any reason to not continuing to try different medications? One might make my life easier, more bearable, more worthwhile, more. Just more.

—- An hour later

I wonder if focusing on it makes it worse. Honestly, I don’t think so. It is there regardless. I spent the last five or ten minutes humming and telling myself I’m alright. Does it impact my mood? No.

I have spent the last half-hour helping out with tech and interacting with people. Is the sadness distracted? No.

Before the diagnoses, I thought I controlled my emotions, like a normal human. I’d focus on being happy, eventually my mood would change. However, being bipolar, I now understand my mood adjust with time, not effort. I am a passive observer of my emotional state. I wait, wait to feel functional, to feel alive.

It isn’t like I have given up, even knowing my efforts rarely impact my underlying mood.

Current Meds: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 75mg, Seroquel XR 300mg, Caffeine Pill 400mg

Anxious Apathy

A Constant State of Panic

I want to wake up with a desire to live. Seroquel XR gave me a few days of that before I had to cut my dose.

Each morning I wake wishing I hadn’t, wishing I didn’t have to face the constant state of mild panic I’ve come to know. 

It chips at my soul, slowly but surely it is eating me alive. I fear going to bed, because I never know who I will be in the morning.

As Seroquel builds up over the day the panic might disapate.

Fingers crossed.

A Constant State of Panic

Hate, Apathy and Panic

kazans_panic_in_the_street_trailer_screenshot_28829It just sits here, waiting. Always waiting.

Seroquel XR actually works. At 600mg it made a real difference. I experienced contentment, calm contentment. Of course, that can’t last.

Due to the severe reaction I had, my dose was cut in half. My psychiatrist is out of town. My doctor and I are trying to bide time until my pshycatrist gets back on Tuesday. I received a steroid shot, epinephrine shot and a steroid prescription. We decided to half my Seroquel dose, hoping I can make it until Tuesdau without hives. 

Half.

That calm feeling I got from 600mg of Seroquel is gone. I awoke in a mild state of panic. This is my operating state without medication. The panic leads to apathy.

Why?

No matter what I do, the panic, the anxiety just sits there. It isn’t distractable. Sure, I can call my mom and catch up. Every pause in the conversation, my mind runs through insecurities, past mistakes and worries, thoughts that make sense with my anxious mood.

Trapped. It doesn’t matter what I do, panic follows. Therefore, hopelessness and apathy set in. I try to fight, I always do. Today I made breakfast for Dan and I, called my mother, went to the gym, did some grocery shopping, none of it mattered – panic always followed.

I just took Seroquel, 300mg, an hour or two early, I just want relief.

And that is it. I want to read back through this blog, give it clear direction and all that. But I am too apathetic. I just don’t give a fuck about it, about anything. I am going to go cook some shitty frozen dinner and have a beer. No wonder why my body has gone to shit over the last year.

Dan went to hang out with a friend. I wish I had friends. I asked if I could tag along, even though it is a friend I don’t get along with, I just didn’t want to be alone. I know this all overwhelms him. But he is so lucky. I wish I could take a few hour break from my depression horse shit and go hang out with friends.

Time for my fat ass to drink beer and pretend like life is fucking worth it. Fuck.

Update (hour later) – And it is gone. The panic, the layer of fear over everything has disapated. God, I can’t believe I am allergic to Seroquel, it is such an effective drug for me. Sigh. Oh well, for now I will enjoy the calm. 

Update Update (hour-twenty later) – Oh, not all gone. A chunk of it is, but some is still here. Maybe I’ll take another 300. I don’t know. I don’t want hives, but I don’t want to feel this, panic, apathy, hopeless – sigh.

Update Update Update (two hours later) – Took a second 300mg of Seroquel. Please work. A few hours of peace before bed, please. 

Update (two hours and twenty minutes later) – Watching the same show over and over just for noise. Started downloading a bunch of apps, thought I’d find a game to play. Six new apps later, my apathy overwhelms everything. So I sit here alone and wait until I feel like a person again. 

Hate, Apathy and Panic