Anxious. Apathetic. Both?
Tuesday? A bit rough. Sometimes I journal to occupy myself, or to distract. Doing it at work makes me feel like a shitty person for wasting the company’s time, but I’m usually in non-functional states when journaling like this. So I rationalize I’d be wasting company time either way. Oh well. Below is what I hammered out a few days back. I’m looking forward to my next psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday.
My morning consistently start low. My mood hovers in the apathetic zone for at least a few hours. Do I hate my job? I don’t think so, it is hard going to work, but I’d guess most people prefer weekends to workdays, and I bet most do have a consistent apathetic feeling throughout their days.
Can meds fix it? I don’t know. I hope so. Seroquel helps. The panic I used to have is largely absent. However, that has uncovered the apathy. The hopelessness, the void.
I don’t have much to work on, not sure what my expectations are, but again, others feel this way, I am certain. Others don’t deal with a constant low mood. Fighting to feel alright.
Seroquel did give my mood a push in the right direction, that effect has waned in the past few days. Another med, another med that will work for a week or two, then back to apathy, to nothingness. How do people do this? How?
There must be a med that will work, that will actually take care of all sorrow. People can’t live like this, there is no way.
My psychiatrist will be mad. Group, group solves all. No. Group solves nothing. If I have to fight, if I have to always fight this, the game is already over. I lose. Well, I wonder through life waiting for it to feel worthwhile. Hoping that I find a day I am happy to wake up to.
I’m sad. I’m tired. I took an extra 25mg of Seroquel a few hours ago. I took it because I felt down, I always feel down. Always. It always feels so hopeless.
Part of the hopelessness is frustration, frustration and fear. Will my mood normalize again? Will the sadness end? It always ends, I know that. But waiting to live, god, it is maddening.
Haven’t I been on enough pills? Please god, I have. Why would the next pill work? It won’t, I just need to be stronger, need to overcome this. What if I can’t?
I’ll be doomed to exist here, here in misery. Please, please make it stop. I can try to distract myself, but it is still here, just waiting for me to let my guard down, then my mind spirals into the darkness, the nothingness that is this, is my mood, my existence.
Nothing. I’m a void. A lack, a lack of functioning, of existing, of contributing, of being – god, I am dramatic. But I do feel complete and overwhelming hopelessness. I do feel anxious about being found out, being a damn fraud, slacking off at work, but I am not slacking, there isn’t much to do. It is good that work is slow, I can’t get the work done anyways. I’m so damn sick of all of this. You have no idea.
How many more pills will it take for life to find me? For enjoyment to find me? For the desire to exist, to be, to contribute, to socialize, to I don’t know, stop feeling like I am waiting to find worth, and desires, excitement, contentment, anything.
Sad. Pathetic. Helpless. Worthless me.
I know. I shouldn’t tell myself I am worthless. That isn’t healthy. Okay, I won’t tell myself that. I will try to focus on the positive. It is so damn hard when my mood is so low. And there is no tangible reason for it to be low. I dislike my job right now, but that shouldn’t overwhelm me. My job isn’t particularly difficult.
I am tired. I am allowed to be tired. Meds, new meds, today or next week, and a hope that I want to live, some day. Someday I will. Hang on. Keep hanging on.
Maybe I am not sad. Maybe I am tired. Maybe, maybe I am constantly questioning my mood. Do normal people focus so much on their mood? I don’t think so.
Even if I need to try harder, is there any reason to not continuing to try different medications? One might make my life easier, more bearable, more worthwhile, more. Just more.
—- An hour later
I wonder if focusing on it makes it worse. Honestly, I don’t think so. It is there regardless. I spent the last five or ten minutes humming and telling myself I’m alright. Does it impact my mood? No.
I have spent the last half-hour helping out with tech and interacting with people. Is the sadness distracted? No.
Before the diagnoses, I thought I controlled my emotions, like a normal human. I’d focus on being happy, eventually my mood would change. However, being bipolar, I now understand my mood adjust with time, not effort. I am a passive observer of my emotional state. I wait, wait to feel functional, to feel alive.
It isn’t like I have given up, even knowing my efforts rarely impact my underlying mood.
Current Meds: Lamictal 200mg, Effexor XR 75mg, Seroquel XR 300mg, Caffeine Pill 400mg