Alone in an emergency

Have a psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday. I have every Tuesday for the past month. Im going to read the plea below to her. Fuck me.Please. Please make this stop. If it is possible, I need to know it. I spend my days laying on my couch entirely apathetic to the world around me.

Fucking awful. I wish I had the balls to fucking kill myself. I hate that I am so weak. I won’t, even now, I know I won’t. Of course not, always scared. I always quit before I start. Always worried, anxious and just god damn awful.

Seroquel does something. It is the only med we have tried that I think is doing anything. Why in the fuck am I at 300mg?  Can we stop trying the littlest amount possible?

We can roll it back, but I need a day worth living. I fucking hate that I am going to wake up tomorrow. I’ll try to force myself to concentrate on something. I’ll take five or ten baths to pass time, attempt several naps, walk five to ten miles (fucking a lot) and hope to god I don’t wake up tomorrow.

Constantly I’ll wonder if my meds are working, why they aren’t working and why I feel no different. Are meds ever going to work, how the fuck do people pretends their lives hold value and purpose? Die. Fucking. Faggot.

Help me.

My house is burning down and no one gives a damn. I get handed a watering can, told to try some intro watering can “group” classes and get a good luck.

I fight god damn hard. Always have. I know me. I fucking do. Please God. Try something new, try something major. 

Help me. 

On a human level, please. 

Please don’t give me some patronizing answer about time. Or threaten to drop me as a patient. Please. 

Make this stop. I want to stop waking up disappointed that I must survive another day. 

Alone in an emergency

5 thoughts on “Alone in an emergency

  1. I know these feelings all too well. I’m truly sorry this is where you are right now. I hope your doctor can adjust your meds and get you some relief. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and being gentle with yourself. I’m sending you warm and kind thoughts from Memphis, TN.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. The amount of times I have been there, where you just hand over the towel and say “fuck it, take me, I am done with this shit right now” is more than a single being should ever have. Usually, with posts like this I try and reach out and remind of the comfort that, it WILL pass. But you already know that don’t you? We know it will pass. Reminding doesn’t help. It’s the hellfuck that is here and NOW that we need help with and want out of. So I will say this instead. Keep writing. Pass the time by getting it all out – on paper, on the WordPress dashboard, whatever, just realease it. By doing son you are taking the first step to reaching out. Keep reaching out to others, let people know exactly what you are going through (even if words can’t justify it all for shit).

    Until I meet you there again,

    M x

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I have been here several times with my bipolar illness and have made it out on the other side every time. I am proof for you. I had tried seraquel once and begged to go off it, it was horrible, did not help. The best thing for me in times of high stress is running on trails in nature. Run out the anger and anxiety. The shit sucks, I know.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. ohmygod, you are gut-wrenching. My heart just breaks for you and I’m helpless halfway around the world all I can do is give you words. You are not alone. Two weeks ago I got tired of the depression and the effort and the suffering, the lack of hope and the stale bleakness, and I was going to kill myself. But I was also too scared. So here I am trying to live. Again. New meds. And its brutal and its unfair but I have to make myself believe I’m a survivor. Even when I feel like a loser. Make myself believe I’m a warrior. Even when I feel like a coward. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Take baths, take walks, comfort eat, sleep too much, rage, cry. Do whatever you have to do to pass through this. I know you don’t see a light at the end yet (neither do I), but I know from experience that there is one. Hang on ’til then. You will see the light (no….not the ‘go towards the light’ light) the light at the end of the tunnel. You’ll make it. I know you will. ‘Cos your a survivor

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Too polar, please talk to your psychiatrist to refer you for ECT treatment. It is a simple procedure with anesthetic so no pain and out of hospital in 3 hours. THIS IS A MIRACLE FOR ME. I feel no apathy or numbness niw, I feel alive, grateful, blessed to have my doctors not ever giving up the fight for me. I am being honest about it all. I’ve tried numerous times to commit suicide but God wants me here. So he somehow cured me of feeling like shit and dying. Maybe you can try and give this a chance to. Good luck, keep in touch

    Liked by 1 person

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