Every night for the past several weeks, maybe months, I desend into the ever deeper depressive lows. It often renders me mute and incapable. All my energy is used to tear at my very being, slowly my mind eats me alive.
Desperate, I used anything I had. Caffeine pills to ward off the tired filling, Adderall, soda, coffee, more Adderall and… Well, I told myself I wouldn’t tolerating thinking about killing myself every day.
I started letting myself take as much Adderall as I wanted, just until it freed me from my tormenting mind.
Over the last few weeks, God. I am a rational person. Having many days of 120, 130 and 180mg – that is disturbing. I tracked it all, looked at home much I consumed every day to be punish myself as I went over them, to remind myself I was a worthless drug addict.
I battled all day to push thoughts out of my head, “a kill yourself” and “have some balls.”
Had my first appointment with a new psychiatrist yesterday. Walked in the door and proceeded to crash. Bad. Hopeless. Struggling to speak. An overwhelming desire to kill myself. She wanted me to go to a hospital immidiatly.
This only aggravated my crash, freak me out that I was already that hopeless after a half hour of debating, begging and pleading — she offered another option, major med changes, no Adderall, take the rest of the week off, partner does too and monitors you.
My crash receded as this other option was presented. She now got to see the much more rational side of me. Crashes are horrifying, but they aren’t constant and I can usually hold them off until I get home.
Regardless, finally someone treated this as an emergency. She was gonna fix it, we were. Adderall, disposed of. Dan, on board.
Never been more hopeful, first day has been easy. And honestly, I haven’t had true hope in, well a while. I don’t care what hell this becomes. I have a chance, this is my chance. I am going to be a man worthly of Dan. We will raise children, decorate Christmas trees and retire to RV around the country. He is my everything.
Here is the final comment I posted to my private mood and med tracking Google form.
I want to say I’m done using this. But I know I am not. There is no silver bullet. This isn’t going away. Adderall is gone. Thank god. It has been out of my system entirely for six hours, I feel fine, relieved and hopeful.
Much of Adderall was the constant fear of the crash so I’d take more and more. It was my only tool, then it started triggering crashes, I was confused and tried increasing the dose. I had no idea I was bipolar or what Hypomania was, I knew it erased crashing. And it still felt like cheating, like I shouldn’t do that. It gave me so much hope, I could finally live up to my potential, finally be a person worthy of loved. Yeah.
Trapped, I just kept digging. I posted twice about Adderall being poisoned, I understood but didn’t see a way out. I told the dr exactly what I was doing, I am not sure how much is left of the person I used to know, but I am glad I clung to that more, lying is unacceptable. She was concerned. Wanted hospitalization but finally laid out a plan. I gave her the Adderall bottle, she flushed them. I washed out the pill bottle, they fancy with timers, I knew I’d put water in it and drink from if I could.
New meds, lots of changes followed, she also demand I take three days off work. She knew what she was doing, she was clear on how to achieve my goals. For the first time in a year, I am hopeful. So hopeful. I can’t wait to be given the proper tools.
I’ve defend myself against suicidal thoughts since 8 without any help. I’m not going anywhere. But it has always been scary. I can’t wait to take on my demons with proper medications and a support network. I will conquer, I will.
The life I’ve dreamed of seems to once again be with grapes. Dan and I are engaged, I proposed about a year ago, We want kids, family vacations and a retirement RV. I want to grow old with him.
He is everything. And I am going to fucking have it. I am.