Life a Few Milligrams at a Time

This morning, awesome. Woke up and did nothing. Well, ate way to much Cap’n Crunch right out of the box. Cuddle a bit with Dan in the good homo cuddling way. Took my meds, started with 30mg of Adderall. 

The house is spotless. Mild Hypomania I assume. Although, morning often start with 45 mg, I take three 15 mg pills each half hour, waiting for it to work. 

Started feeling a bit down a few hours later, became much more aware of my mood, a few thought of death popped into my head. To solve the problem I took 45 mg, just 30 mg at first but that didn’t solve the problem.

This evening, God, I took too much, like always. I could feel the crash lurking. Suicidal thoughts started becoming more intense, at seven I took an extra 7.5 mg, half an hour late, 15 mg and another 7.5 mg forty minutes after that. 

I had to stop there, or give up on sleeping tonight. The crash waited another hour. By nine I felt it again, worried about my mood, suicidal thoughts popped up in my head. Opened a beer, took 50 mg of trazadone. Everything solved.

Yeah, I wish. Nothing solved. Slightly more calm but still awful. Dying sounds nice. Make it stop. Now I am laying on the bed, I still often fight it, tonight I gave in after an hour. Incapable and pathetic. Make it stop.

Adderall often causes a crash as it winds down. But during the day, at work and such, it can be a god send. Dispar turns into focus and engaged, the depressive thoughts are almost gone, I can focus on what I please.

The negatives are more and more obvious. I usually do increase the dose throughout the day, to avoid coming down, I’m terrified of a crash. Night is always a struggle as my body process through my last dose.

Problem, yes? Solution? No fucking idea. Yes, Adderall often causes severe depressive episodes, yet it also ends them. The idea of stopping Adderall, ending it cold turkey is god damn terrifying. I am confident I am not actually suicidal. I relish the idea though. Adderall is the one tool I have that is often affective against my twisted thoughts. Days without it our days of suicidal thoughts, constantly, and paralyzing apathy. Nothing and no one, I don’t care about anything on those days.

Adderall must end eventually. But without something else, without a tool to mitigate the damage its absence will cause, I wonder if I’ll make it through. I wonder what will be left of me if I do.

A few weeks or a month focusing intently on planning and visualizing my suicide will reek havoc on my mind. And I’ve always crashed, I am not entirely clear how it would change without Adderal.

Oh, yes. Trapped, hopeless, anxious, scared, disappointed, guilty, worthless, worry… A life like mine? Perfect. Don’t worry be happy. Die. Die. Die. 

Life a Few Milligrams at a Time

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