This morning started with a wonderful Lamictal. It used to only last me twelve hours, but as it has built up, The length of calm it provides has grown.
Having not taken my full prescription of Adderall today, due to running out, I took my second dose at 6:10, right after therapy. I had felt good on my last dose. Lamictal helps to take away the bad, I thought. And
Started working on a few tasks but by 8:30, frustration set in. Decided to take a break, not even noticing the time. First plan, walk over to the conscience store and get some beer. I haven’t been drinking nightly like I used to, I don’t want beer in the house. Decided to take a warm bath. Yeah, I’m a homo. Not candles or shit, just a bath. Hadn’t shaved in a few days, beard/scruff needed to go. The tub wasn’t relaxing. Decided to skip shaving, seemed like so much work.
Got out of the tub after just fifteen minutes or so. Began debating my mood. You feel down; are you down? Why would you be, you’re not sad. You haven’t thought about killing yourself, but you just did.
Is this Adderrall wearing of from a few hours ago? No, I bet it is Lamictal, it’s been about twelve. Or am I just upset because of paying those medical bills, maybe I am normal sad. Or is this…. Fuck.
When life is good, stable, you know what I and normal people don’t do? Wonder what their mood is. During the first twelve hours of Lamictal, my mood is not a thought. It is not something I fear. I just live.
I start wondering if I am sad, wondering where my mood is taking me, something is already off. The best days are when I don’t fear my mood, I’m too busy living.
Mood. Fuck you.