Twelve hours to live

It has been a few days since I last posted. My posts are full of cheer, I didn’t want to post on a bad day. Every word of that last sentence is a lie. 

Posts are desperate pleadings into the void. Posts are prays to the universe to solve my problems, no one else can. Well, a gun can. We don’t own any. We don’t because I’m fucking crazy. 

One of my favorite thoughts is taking that handgun, pushing it to the back of my throat, firing a bullet into my brain stem and painting the white wall behind me. Leaving that wall as my final statement on the value of existence.

At this point I should say that today is a good day. Yes, good. Taking 200mg of Lamictal (Lamotrigine) is a god send. I’ve been at 200mg for a week and a half. 

On Lamictal I never wonder if I’m crashing, I do not fear my mood, I’m not held hostage by self-hate. The most incredible part, it is easy to fend off those bouts of depression. 

Not on Lamictal (Lamotrigine) I try to focus my mind on particular tasks. I’ll try not to think about the pointlessness of existing. Attempting to not dwell on the fact that the bulk of humanity’s only contribution to this earth is our carbon footprint. 

Censorship doesn’t work. Trying to avoid thinking about a topic, frustrating. I get furious with myself. As a thirtyish adult I can’t stop myself from thinking of suicide. And when I attempt to, I preservate on planning my demise. 

During the twelve hours that Lamictal protects me, zero hours are spent fighting my thoughts. Zero. Fucking zero. Those thoughts are gone. Vanished. Absent. Never did I dream such a state possible. It is incredible. I am fully aware that constantly wishing to die is an abnormal thought. My emotions control me but if I could be a bit stronger, maybe I’d stop desiring death.

Knowing that all of those suicidal thoughts aren’t actually me, instead assigning the thought to this disorder, god. Liberation.

Why can’t I have it all the time? I got off work excited to come home and build a computer, all the parts finally had arrived. Around 5:30 frustration set in. By 7:00 I gave up, I felt apathetic towards my new toy. 

I proceed to lay down and hammer out the first few paragraphs of this blog. Then I started crying. It dawned on me that I took Lamictal at 6:37am, the reason the last couple hours were so difficult? I was fending for myself. Battling on my own, the darkest parts of my mind always win.

Do you know the last time I experienced excitement? I don’t. Honestly, no idea. Or joy? Or mild contentment? Or… I started to ball. I missed that feeling of excitement I got to experience just a few hours prior.

Why does my shitty mind need drugs to experience that? It is so neat to be excited about something. It is wonderful to look forward to a task, to desire to do something. None of that has been present in my life for years.

Why do I only get to feel human for twelve hours a day? Yes, I’m greedy. Two weeks ago I needed a break. I was overjoyed by the prospect of day with far too much Adderall because it’d be a day without me fucking tearing myself apart. Now I get twelve hours on a regular basis, at least for the last three days, but that isn’t enough.

It is, I guess. But why don’t I get it all the time? Why do I have to fucking hate my pathetic bitching pointless fat piece of shit self for four or five hours a day? The difference between Lamictal “normal” and non-medicated me has become more stark. I’m clueless as to how I didn’t hang myself three months ago.

This is all still shit. But at least I can take a hand full of sleeping pills in thirty minutes and wake up to twelve hours of, of, of contentment? Well, of not wanting to paint my living room wall with a pistol and the insides of my skull.

Morning can’t come soon enough.

Advertisements
Twelve hours to live

9 thoughts on “Twelve hours to live

  1. I came to thank you for reading my poem from today about the hopelessness I was feeling. I arrived to find this post waiting for me. It is so powerful, honest and truthful. Please share it with our readers at letters to the mind. I want this post to be a part of the story we are telling to the world about how it feels to live in a world of Bipolar flux. Then I want you to go to sleep get some good rest and start tomorrow again. Write a letter to your illness and email it to me for posting on our blog. It is very empowering. Get pissed off, take a stand, whatever comes organically from you that you want to tell Bipolar Disorder.

    My email is memeethemuse@gmail.com.
    include a favorite quote with each submission.
    I will worry about finding photos/art to match the feelings expressed.
    I will link it all back to you.

    You have a strong voice and one that needs to be heard!

    I also want you to check out my friend Chris’s blog. He is a suicide survivor. He was saved by friends and he is grateful to be alive. He is changing and helping people. His blog is called Surviving the Specter (the specter is is illness). Google it. You’ll find him.

    Lamotrigine has been a godsend to me as well. When I first began on it (Lamictal) it revolutionized me. I hope it will continue to work for you in positive, healthy ways!

    Most Sincerely,

    Memee

    Like

  2. Entisar says:

    I wonder where our intense negative thoughts come from. I mean it chemical based but so weird that it comes out in these ideas. Cuz they not real. You know what I mean? I just don’t understand why this disorder push these thoughts out front against ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for sharing this part of your story! It is stupid rough living with depression. I have struggled with depression. I am now on meds and have been consistently happy for half a year!! That is huge! It used to be every day that I wanted to do the same – shoot myself, well, for me, it was jump off a cliff, but you get the point.
    All this to say, I hope you get the help you deserve. Best of luck to you! ❤
    Heather

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Every step of Lamictal felt good. First few days of 25mg, amazing, then a week later 50mg, and so on. Not to be depressing, although I’m good at that, but everyone does respond differently. I wish the best for you. God, we could all use a little more help.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Seems like your bipolar diagnosis is new. It takes time to adjust, but it seems like the Lamictal is good for you. Stick with it and continue to see your doctor. It’s a long process, but you are not alone. Sending you hope.

    Like

  5. I take Lamotrigine too (150mg) but it seems to be having very little effect on me, even with Lithium thrown in. I hope you can eventually find the peace you are seeking.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s