It does bother me. Not knowing. Not understanding. Being at the mercy of this all.
Today is better. It is good enough that I didn’t even feel the need to blog. Ha. No reason to vent I thought. However, I want to remember sometimes I am not that person. Today there were no thoughts of shooting myself. No thoughts of hanging myself. Nope. None.
Why was yesterday so bad then? I must have done something different. I’ve spent a lot of time looking for that difference. Got more sleep? Nope. Took more Adderall? Nope. Took less Adderall? Nope. Took Lamictal at different times? Nope. Took a different dose of Lamictal? Nope. Drank less or more caffeine? Nope.
Spent the last thirty minutes preping to crash. It isn’t coming. I know it. This isn’t me. Like, I wasn’t always sad without all these drugs, I experienced glimpses of normal and even happy. Never in my life have I felt like Lamictal makes me feel. That constant list of worries, to dos, disappointments, self-hate that sits in my head — it is gone. I’m not just shutting it out. Or doing a good job of ignoring it.
Feeling like this, I always try to trigger a crash. It worries me, it feels fake. I don’t get to experience existence like this. My body doesn’t trust it. That makes sense. My doctor and I agreed that planning my suicide in third grade is the first sign of Bipolar Disorder. From what we can tell, I’ve been rapid cycling since fifth grade. My body doesn’t trust “normal”, or at least Lamictal normal.
Crashing is gone. I can’t even trigger one. No matter how much I concentrate on awful things, no matter what terrible thoughts I attempt to focus on, the over-whelming anxiety and sadness doesn’t reach me.
Of course, this worries me. Why wasn’t I like this yesterday? Why? Having this be my new normal, wow. But I can’t decide that. Even if I get to stay in this place for a few days, maybe even a week, the eventual crashing is worse.
Crashing a month ago, I was already down, rock bottom wasn’t too much of a fall. But now, God. It is awful to know what life can be. What others might get to experience. Crashing now is so unbearable. I cannot believe how low I had sunk, four short weeks ago.
As I explained to my doctor last week, my biggest regret of the past year, especially the past three months, I wish I would have drank more and taken more Adderall. And I meant and mean it. Since my spiral downward happened slowly. Not until Lamictal did I comprehend how much depression had engulfed me.
So why was today different? I still don’t know. And though I appreciate and love the difference, I still worry.
Will tomorrow be back to unbearable? Will I spend the hours fighting my thoughts, trying to think of anything other then ending it? Or will it be an okay day. A day that passes and I think about a few work problems and if I should buy Girl Scout cookies, not how my brain matter would decorate that wall.
At least the burden of guilt is largely gone. No longer do I become furious with my inability to control my emotions. No, see, I am a legit crazy person.