Better than Drugs

I’m aright. Still.

If what Lamictal is doing for me right now is “normal”, it is so unfair that others get to live like this. Everything is easier.

It has been far too long since my last good workout, told myself this morning I’d go to the gym tonight. However, tonight is here and I don’t feel like it. That is that. I might go after work tomorrow, I might not. But tonight’s decision is made and I’m not torturing myself over it. Not obsessing if that is the right choice, nor feeling guilty about my choice. Nope, I made a decision. Next.

Much of my energy is spent forcing myself to complete minor tasks. My entire life would be different if I didn’t exhaust myself fighting to merely live. I think the “normal” I feel with Lamictal might be actually how people usually experience emotions. They have no idea how hard some of us must fight. God. I’m so jealous of all the “normal” people.

Normal is better than drugs.

Better than Drugs

7 thoughts on “Better than Drugs

  1. Kimchist4r says:

    I respect your thoughts but you are giving too much credit to being “normal.” I was “normal” most of my life. I was diagnosed at 47 years old. Being “normal” not easier it means we not on meds and dealing with side effect control. But being human nature “normal” people are walking around thinking they “normal.” It not on our mind. Not much is on our mind pertaining to our self. When you are “normal” you just are and you make shitty decisions, have shitty days, get some other disease, fight, cry, insecure, straight up evil and all the emotions. But you don’t get “delusional”, “paranoid” and your life isn’t a system of drugs and doctors. But other “normal” people are in a system of health for whatever. It find to have a bipolar disorder but manage it and manage it well. We have to keep a positive attitude. Having bipolar disorder is a “condition of the battlefield” as we use to describe stuff in the Army. A challenge, if you will. We can’t overthink it. We have to stay positive. Take it from someone who knows, “normal is not so normal” We need to be thankful and have compassion for our mental health friends who are schizophrenic.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I understand how things feel unfair. I understand what it’s like to wish I could have the luxuries others are given freely while I suffer from my mental and physical illnesses. To quote the title of Kay Redfield Jamison’s book, we are “Touched By Fire”. We are kind, wildly imaginative, talented, etc. We have strength in us somewhere that the normal folks couldn’t even handle.

    We are resilient as hell, and like a cat, we can land on our feet sometimes. And even if we don’t, we fight through it, because in some cases, we’ve experienced worse. I don’t want to curse in your comments, but “eff normal”! It’s definitely easier, and you have major developments of your character, your traits, and personality that normal people will never be able to have. You are special as hell.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You really capture it well – how it is to battle your own brain all the time. It’s exhausting, but good for you for writing about it and helping spread some understanding 🙂 Hard regular exercise changed my life for the better, maybe just take baby steps until you get some momentum in the right direction. You can do it! And be as kind to yourself as if you were suffering from an equally severe physical ailment – you know what I mean?


    1. I’m working my way back to exercising. For over a decade I have hit the gym three times a week – every week. For the last three years I’ve added running, usually 10 – 20 miles a week.

      About four months ago everything got worse. Even stopped doing that. Thanks for the reminded. I’m gonna get back out there. Just slowly, step-by-step.


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