Beer < Adderall < Lamictal

Lamictal isn’t helping much anymore.

I wanted a break from planning my suicide… Adderall. Too much, yes. I don’t care. Make it stop.

Adderall ends those thoughts. It lets me focus on any activity, my mind narrows in on the chosen blocking all else out. Sucidal thoughts, gone.

Shame, I’m good at shame. Addict. Fuck you. Drug addict.

Guilt, so guilty. But it isn’t fair. Why should I always tolerate my lows? I tolerate plenty of them. Sometimes I need a break.

Rationalize it. Drug. Addict. Lamictal allowed me to cut back on stimulants, no longer needed them to treat my depression. And I log every mg of Adderall. Track every bit. Show my doctor every day’s total. She knows. 

Still. Drug addict. Fuck you.

Beer < Adderall < Lamictal

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