Twice in a row, I am dumb. Yesterday I tried taking Lamictal in two 50mg doses. Except, I wait 10 hrs between, Lamictal takes three-ish hours to kick in for me, so from 6:30 to 8:00pm I dipped into hell.
Today started with me taking 50mg of Lamictal (and everything else) at 10am. At noonish the effects are noticeable. At 2pm, another 25mg. I needed to pick up my refill but couldn’t until 4pm.
At 6pm I arrive in hell. The 25mg in my system didn’t cut it. I hoped it would be enough. Nope. My later dose has now kicked it. However, during that hour I took more adderall then I should have. Desperate to make it stop. I can’t not. Even my doctor, although disagreed with my behavior, said she understood it.
Now my mood is stable but my hands aren’t. Jittery as fuck. Damn you adderall. Damn you body.
Wait. Hell? What do you mean by hell?
Hell? Yes. I intensely focus on all the perceived errors I have made, personal short-comings and future expected failing. The solution to me being entirely void of worth is simple. I’ll splatter my brains on the ceiling.
Oh god, don’t kill yourself.
I won’t. I don’t think. Never have I been actually suicidal. It is something I think when stressed, starting in third grade. It makes me feel powerful. I can always opt out. Yet, never have even been capable of such an act. And I doubt I ever would be.
That isn’t true. My bipolar diagnose three weeks ago came a few days after I an unplanned doctor visit. Spent the morning hiding in my room, terrified of everything. Phone calls made me jump. Walking through the halls, awful. What if people spoke to me?
After explaining to my doctor that I had never experienced that level of anxiety. And if it continued, I wouldn’t make it through the year. I still feel that way.
Lamictal is wonderful. I’ve never experience an the life it provides. Not since third grade.
And that is now the problem. Knowing what “normal” is – Well, knowing what Lamictal normal is – God. I can’t go back.
Life a month ago was rough, I had no idea how rough. Having gaps in Lamictal coverage puts me right back into a non-functional self-loathing state. Knowing what “normal” is makes my lows so much worse.