Haven’t left the house for twenty-five hours now. God. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.
Partner has a fancy event tonight. Happens every year. I’ve always gone. Last year I struggled. This year, too scared. Too many people, too loud, too long… This disorder, this bipolar thing, it is winning. It is so fucking winning.
Told the most important person in my life, no, I can’t. You’ve done so much for me, so god damn much. But, walking outside? Christ. No.
This blog isn’t suppose to me just whining like a bitch. Poor me. I suffer so, with my perfect relationship, a nice neighborhood, access to doctors and medication, pity me.
Want to know the worst part? We don’t have a ton of food in the house. I ordered a pizza yesterday night while my partner (lets call him Dan), while Dan was out. I ordered two, making sure I’d have a lot of extras. I’ve had pizza for three meals now. It will likely be a fourth.
I don’t want god damn pizza. This is why I have gained so much fucking weight. I am god damn disgusting. I fucking fuck fucking hate this.
There a bunch of cheap goodish places to eat near me. Do I go out? I doubt it. Instead, I will hide in home. Wasting life, crying about nothing, wishing I was actually suicidal.
You know, without this, I could have been someone. Really. God, I think so. I am pretty sure though. I work really hard when I can. And enjoy work. I want to have a family so so bad. I’d love to work in a different industry, maybe something with engineering. With a higher income we could afford to have kids.
Now? I dream that this ends. This crippling, all-encompassing, self-hate. I get headaches from it. I’ll start plummeting and after an hour or so of concentrating so intently on how much of a piece of shit I am, I’ll take a few Tylenol. And Advil.
Tried taking my 100mg in Lamictal in two doses today. I am hoping it just hasn’t kicked in yet. But I can’t even tell anymore. What med is doing what? What is me? What is normal?
The big decision is, do I take a bunch of Adderall to make this stop? I can always justify it. Most doctors who see me while crashing have given me more wiggle room with my medications. It just needs to stop. But I have already taken some Adderall today. It can give me anxiety, but I am never sure when. Do I risk it?
Drinking is the other option. However, my fat ass has gained 25 lbs over the last year. My body is wreck. Ha. It reflects my mind I guess. Drinking can solve it to. But god, every time I have taken shots while home alone I cry. I know it is destructive behavior. I do. But I don’t want to always being fighting myself. I just need a break. I need… I don’t know.
Whatever I decide, it doesn’t matter. A few hours of pretending life is acceptable again. Then back useless pathetic god damn worthless shitty self. Go me. Fuck.