Sitting at home alone. Fuck. My partner went out to dinner with friends. I was invited – out in public? Hell no. Socially? Hell no. God.
I’ve been alright for the past hour, but now I am huddled on the couch intensely focusing on how much I fucking hate myself. I get so tired of being a pathetic piece of shit. I’m always a fucking wreck.
Sometime between 7 – 9pm the worrying starts. I don’t even notice it at first. Just in the back of my head, all these thoughts start spinning. Insecurities, tasks to accomplish, life goals, disappointments, failing, etc. slowly they all bubble up. I’m usually well down the road of self-hate before I notice. Anxiety multiplied by ten, I start to think about dying. I fucking hate myself so much.
Diagnosed and been on lamictal for 3 weeks now. I’ve increased my dose every six days, doctors and I are desperate to get rid of these thought. Fuck a rash, don’t even care. I’m now on 100mg . But it always fades 12-14 hours after I take it. Is that bullshit?
All I’ve learned over the past few years is to never trust myself or my emotions. Fuck.